Stop Pulling the Wagon

Aw…… The Sunset Years – A Look at the Golden Age of Life.

It is my intent that this be a satirical, if not whimsical look at the “Golden Years” of my time on this earth, having experienced life at both ends of the rainbow.  It is not meant to offend anyone, except perhaps in a humorous vein.  We all, including myself, need to be able to laugh at our foibles and the often unintended consequences of our good intentions and sometimes bad habits.

It was my original intent to title this: “The Thoughts and Shadowy Dreams of a Middle-Aged Man”.  But, that would only work if life expectancy is 152 years. 

I grew up in the automobile business having spent many of my happy younger years in auto repair shops with by father and uncle.  One of my early after high school jobs was working on a used car lot preparing cars for resale.  I have always loved cars so you will forgive me if I use an auto related theme in this little exercise.

I find myself driving down the road of life and at this point I am peering out the windshield, straining my old eyes for a look at the Golden Sunset years promised in all those stories and commercials through the years.  

You know the ones I mean.  Like the commercials where those generous, friendly  companies say they will  pay you cash for your Life Insurance policy now – pre-mortem – “giving”  you and your spouse the money to stroll through sun drenched meadows of wild flowers in your final years.  Of course they don’t mention in the ads that when you turn room temperature they will get the cash from your life insurance policy leaving your spouse and/or children with nothing except a final decision as to what to do with your remains.  Left to wonder if “the departed” would prefer a brown or grey cardboard box in which to make the final journey on this side of the veil.  Excuse the bit of macabre humor here.

You will forgive me if my eyes drift from the road ahead to some of the golden memories in the rear view mirror of years past from time to time.  

I had a very happy childhood and survived the usual drama of the teenage years to go out into the world and make lots of common mistakes and wrong turns at times.  School years, military time, lots of good friends, multiple work and career paths.  All the normal stuff in an average life.  Many great memories, some regrets for errors and pain along the way.  Finally met the right life partner and love of my life.  She gave us a beautiful and wonderful daughter and so many special memories.  Too many to begin to cover here.  A Great Life.  Trust me, a long and fond list of golden rear view mirror memories.

Returning my eyes to the road ahead on the other side of the windshield.  

I am thankful for my family and many friends and for my faith which carries me from day to day.  Still much joy there.  However…….

I often seem to find myself, with depleted resources, not allowed to eat any of my favorite foods, too weak to walk that beach again with my beloved wife, struggling  to complete what used to be simple repairs around our home.  That time in life when you realize that most of your  “get up and go” has “got up and went”. 

I have this theory that there is an insidious conspiracy and all those stories about the golden years were part of a “Big Lie” fed to us by a government and media whose only goal is to use us up and then turn us over to an assortment of financial vampires bent on sucking away whats left of our retirement “nest egg” and the scarred remains of our tattered Social (In)Security system.

Some of the members of this conspiratorial group are Government Bureaucrats, Insurance providers, the Medical Profession, the pharmaceutical Drug makers and  the Health Food industry. Their  mission in life is to cleanse the wallet and bank account of  their few remaining dollars as well as the last bit of joy of living while denying me the goodies I want and deserve.  

That is their mission and the first thing they think of when they get out of bed in the morning.  What can we do to make Bob’s life miserable and less joyous today?  In my heart of hearts I know this is true.  You are reading this on the internet so it has to be true.

If you believe the above to just be the raging paranoia of someone past their prime – a scary thought – there is a second theory.  I suppose that in full disclosure I could admit that maybe, just maybe some of my health issues just might be because of my own poor choices in food and life style. 

I should admit this but really don’t want to.  I prefer to believe in the first theory about a grand scheme to deprive me of my wife’s Best Anywhere Chocolate Chip Cookies.   I guess it would be fair to say that I choose the fantasy of the first theory over the reality and facts of the second theory. 

Rear view mirror or windshield?  Both are there.  I have to believe that’s good.

Bob Bandy – August 2018

To paraphrase an old fable: “If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water he will jump out but if you put the same frog into a pot of cold water and then raise the temperature one degree at a time he will stay there until he is boiled alive”.

There are many life applications this bit of wisdom can be applied to.  I have sometimes gotten myself into “hot water” one degree at a time until finding myself in a real mess.

Whether it is an addiction, debt, unhealthy relationships, bad eating habits or any number of other life altering and threatening situations, we are all potential victims of incremental disaster.

But it takes Government on steroids to turn this simple truth into an art form for picking our pockets clean.  I once heard the Comedian Gallagher say:  “Everywhere you leak, they hang a bucket”.

For example go to Walmart and purchase a bag of dog food.  Walmart is paying property taxes, utility taxes, employers share of employees payroll taxes, license fees, environmental fees, government regulatory fees, permit fees, etc. (I could go on but space is limited).

In addition, the truck that hauled the dog food to the store had to pay fuel taxes, license fees, special federal taxes on the tires on the truck, regulatory fees, highway use taxes, ad nauseum.

We could work our way throughout the store but the point is made.  Question:  Ultimately who pays all these taxes and fees?   (Pretend you are hearing game show music) – Da Da Da Da.   You guessed right!  You are!

Next and closer to home, just for fun pull out a recent phone, cable or other utility bill.  For example my recent Comcast Xfinity Cable+ bill has two itemized billing sections: One is called: Other Charges and Taxes and  one is called: surcharges and fees.  On my bill there are ten separate items including, but not limited to, items such as Regulatory Recovery Fees ($2.50) and one called PEG Access Support ($1.53).   The two sections total  $18.49 + $15.53.  Back when I went to school that would be a total of $34.02. 

Comcast public statistics state they have 29.3 million customers.  If my bill is average that would mean monthly revenues for all these various agencies, departments and “groups” would be (my calculator is smoking but if accurate) $996,786,000.

Stated another way that’s 996 Million, 786 Thousand dollars – rock throwing distance to One Billion Dollars a month from one tax and fee generating utility flowing into the pockets of all of these, sometimes mystery, groups, departments and agencies every month from just this one utility.

Shall we now review our telephone bill, gas bill, garbage bill etc.?

Government will never be satisfied with just our Income Tax, Payroll (FICA) Taxes, Property Taxes, Sales Taxes, Auto License, Registration & Fees, Parking Fees, etc. etc. 

Government is a bottomless pit for your money with little accountability.

On the other hand, I am sure that the folks at PEG Access Support are spending their 44+ Million Dollar monthly share of the “take” wisely.

Bob Bandy

An Open Fan Letter To Congresswoman Maxine Waters

Dear Congresswoman Waters,

I must admit that in the past I have not been one of your supporters or fans.  Now however, I would like to thank you for your consistent and strident attacks on President Donald Trump.

You have accomplished far more to support the causes I believe in than I ever could have done.  It is my sincere hope that you will continue, even intensify your attacks and in that effort I would like to make some helpful suggestions.

First and foremost do not “sugar coat” how you feel and don’t “beat around the bush”.  Lately it seems I detect a weakening in your attacks and a softening of your hatred for him.  Don’t let this happen.  

Second, you might want to get counsel from people like Hollywood Actor Robert De Niro on adding a little depth and color to your language when you speak to, and of the President.  Mr. De Niro has a real way with colorful speech and the ability to add spice to what you say.  His specialty seems to be in words beginning with the letter “F” when speaking to the media.

Third, consider adding Hollywood Actor Peter Fonda to your staff of strategic advisers.  Mr. Fonda has put forth some intriguing ideas about surrounding the schools of the children of your political and policy opponents and then threatening and terrifying them so as to intimidate their parents.  Brilliant thinking and ideas like this could add to your growing fan base.

Finally, consider creating a Council on Women’s Empowerment and Rights.  You could ask your personal friend Former President Bill Clinton to head up this Council and perhaps strengthen its impact by asking Hollywood Film Producer Harvey Weinstein and former Democratic Senator Al Franken to Co-Chair the group.  Possibly former Democratic Congressman Anthony Weiner could be a consultant or media adviser for publicity for the group. 

I have many other, I think worthwhile ideas but hopefully if you just implement the above it will speed along your campaign to unseat the current President. 

With Kind Regards,

Bob Bandy

ETHICAL TREATMENT FOR SQUIRRELS NOW! 

I hope you will join me today in this newly founded organization dedicated to the rights and care of our long tailed furry brothers and sisters.

There are no forms to fill out.  No meetings.  No dues.  No age restrictions. 

Just a silent pledge made in private to do your part for the welfare of  these beautiful creatures who give us so much and ask for nothing in return.

Squirrels do not lie to you.

They are not corrupt.

They do not demand your tax dollars. 

They do not ask for your vote.

They do not try to control every aspect of your life.

You do not have to license them with some government agency.

they are fun to watch.

And…..

After the Dark Lords of Mordor in Sacramento complete the destruction of California and turn it into the Venezuela of North America with an economy in ruins and nothing to eat…..

…..Our squirrel friends will still be here to continue to serve us…..

They make tasty stews and and warm winter hats.

Bob Bandy

This writing is meant to be a humorous look at life in the “new” Progressive California.

It is all true but it is not my intent to offend anyone, or perhaps, it is my intent to offend everyone, myself included, with the goal that we should all learn to laugh at ourselves when we view the results of our “good intentions”.

California is now a “Sanctuary State”, or more accurately a non-state since you cannot have a defined Country or State that does not have borders.  Everyone is now a citizen and you cannot be questioned about where you came from or how you got here.  No papers required.  Criminal history cannot be questioned.  

ISIS Bomb Maker – no documents required!  Drug Cartel Hit Man – You don’t need no “stinking papers”!  North Korean Saboteur – Come On Down!

If you want a practical demonstration of this take down all the fences around your house and allow free access to your yard and belongings.  While we’re at it, let’s also remove all the fences around all of California homes and businesses.  And, let us not forget to do the same for our friends in the Legislatures and all the folks in Hollywood.   Now lets see what happens to the Constitutional concept of “private ownership of private property”.

California is now a State where a prospective employer can be jailed or sued by a prospective employee if they question their immigration status, criminal history, Gender identity or belief in man made global warming.  This same prospective employer can also be sued by their customers if it turns out, for example, an employee has a criminal history and it was not disclosed to customers.

California is now a State where a worker in a Rest Home can be jailed if they address a patient by a gender title which the patient finds offensive on that particular day.  Subject to the patients right to change their gender identity “at will”.

California is a place where, if I wanted to, I could decide to be male on Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Female on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  On Saturdays I could decide that I am a gender neutral Martian that is undocumented. No-one would be allowed to even question this, and, if they did I could sue them or have them jailed.  And, as a Martian I am only 44 years old.

The new “Progressive” California is a place where drug testing can be required to get a job to earn money (which will be taxed) but you cannot be drug tested to get “free” money in Public Aid to use as you see fit including spending that money on more drugs.

California is a State where you will not be jailed for stealing as long as you keep the total value of the items you steal to less than $940.  They can write you a ticket/citation but it is only a Misdemeanor and not a Felony.  There have been documented cases of thieves filling up shopping carts with items worth “only” a few hundred dollars and then giving Store Security the finger on their way out of the parking lot.  By the way,  Shopping carts are now “free” in California.  Note the “Citizen” in the photo above at his “residence” on the Streets in San Francisco.

California is the only State where if you steal a gun – worth less than $940 – it is a misdemeanor and you will be given a citation/ticket but if you buy a gun legally and are caught with it in your possession on the street without a State approved “Permit” it is a Felony and you can be given jail time and fines.  “Honest officer – I stole this gun – just give me the citation.”

I could go on with much more but why?  

California!  It’s a wonderful life!

You can’t make this stuff up.

Bob

I have information from reliable but nameless and secret sources that the State of California is very near announcement of a two fold plan for a Fair Share Universal Tax to help fund the War on Global Climate Change.

First, in recognition that exhaling releases carbon dioxide gas which is a contributor to Global Climate Change,  every resident or visitor to the State of California will be required to have a micro chip implant that will both monitor and report each time they exhale to the State of California.

This data will be forwarded to the Franchise Tax Board who will calculate the tax due and be responsible for collecting the scheduled tax from “Breathers”.  At the time of this writing the tax rate being considered is one tenth of a cent per exhale.  This may seem  a paltry sum until one calculates that the average adult respiratory rate is about 15 times per minute or 900 times per hour.  Do a little math and the average cost of exhaling in California will be about 90 cents an hour or $21.60 a day.

This tax can be avoided by simply no longer exhaling and residents and visitors can take comfort in the fact that inhaling is still free.  At least for now.

For the Second phase of this battle consideration is being given to the fact that methane is also a contributor to Global Climate Change and it is the responsibility of all of us to pay our Fair Share Tax in the battle to monitor and reduce the release of this gas into California’s breathable air resources.

It is also a scientific fact that flatulence is a major contributor to the release of methane into the atmosphere. Therefore, California is creating a new agency to monitor and tax the unwanted release of this gas.  To fund this Board and its employees a new source of revenue will be created through the establishment of a Flatulence Air Resource Tax.

Under development is a new monitoring device to be worn by all residents and visitors on the rear upper portion of the thigh which will sense, tabulate and report to the Board all releases of methane gas by the wearer.

The Board will then forward this information to the California Franchise Tax Board who will be responsible for billing and collecting the approved tax.  At this writing a rate of $1.00 per release is under consideration.  Think of it as an exhaust gas tax.

Taxpayers can avoid this tax by simply not releasing any methane gas through the monitored process.

The State agency for this Board is reporting some difficulty in recruiting, hiring and training workers who will be responsible for checking and monitoring individuals at random to be sure they are wearing the methane release and sound monitoring device and that it is working properly.

Formal announcement of this new Fair Share Tax and implementation of monitoring should be released through the media within the next 60 days.

All tax rates are subject to review and increase depending on Battlefield Assessment Reports from the ongoing War against Global Climate Change and subject to review and correction by former Vice President Al Gore.

What could possibly go wrong?

Bob Bandy